“How was your day?”
“Fine.”
“What did you do?”
“Not much.”
Does that sound like your teen?
Your kiddo, who was once talkative and energetic, and would trust you with his secrets, now barely says two words to you. What happened to your baby? This can feel very disheartening.
I am sure you want your teen to be able to trust you, ask for your advice and let you into their universe. After all, they are the most important person in your life. But can you work on improving your communication with your teen? Of course! There are lots of great benefits to maintaining an open and trustful communication with your teen. It helps us keep them safe in many ways, teaching them about life and how to make good decisions. It also fosters a close relationship with them.
Here are three suggestions to improve communication with your teen:
1. Separate Corrective time from regular Conversation
What is your response when your teen is telling you about something they did? Do you ask follow-up questions? Do you correct them? Do you dismiss their experience, or compare it to something you did in the past?
When our teen is opening up about their day, stay present, ask questions, and validate their experience. Avoid correcting their behavior, scolding or saying, “That’s nothing! In my time….”
Listen and engage, without cutting off the conversation with correctives.
2. Use open ended questions
Take advantage of the time in the car or during meals (sitting together as a family for dinner is still a great practice) to ask open-ended questions that might require a longer answer. Avoid the yes and no questions, if you want to get long answers out of your teen. This is also a great time to ask “what would you do” questions or “what is your opinion on…”
This shows your teen that you are interested in their opinions, the way they think and shows you how they solve their own problems.
3. Keep feelings in mind
Remember that it is very important to validate people’s feelings when you are talking to them. We often neglect this without even realizing it, by making comments like “you young people don’t know how easy you have it”, “you’re not depressed, you just need to get up and find something to do”, or “that’s not something to cry about.”
These kinds of comments, which we might have heard from our own parents, have the ugly side effect of invalidating the other person’s feelings. Remember, every feeling is valid. Instead, try sentences such as “I see this is difficult for you”, “thank you for trusting me with your feelings” or “I can see how this would be upsetting.” Showing understanding for others goes a long way! Try it!
At the end of the day, we want to show our teens that they can talk to us about anything, so they know that you will be there if one day they get in trouble or they don’t know what to do.
We want our teens to feel nurtured, heard and understood. These small changes can be the beginning of a new and improved relationship with your teen.
